Saturday, January 1, 2011

New Year's snow...

Do you long for something that you can't define?  Are you looking for answers to questions that may not exist?  I'm in a contemplative mood, and I hope you'll excuse me if I use this forum to get some free-form thinking done.  Hey, if you don't like it, please fuck off.

I know I promised an article finishing up the History of Gothic with the RMBL this week, but after several aborted attempts at beginning it, I decided to just leave it alone for another week.  Don't worry, I've got some really neat information tucked under my hat, and I will finish what I've started.  It's just that I happen to like detours, and asides, and all the little things in life that kinda keep people from getting to the point.  So enjoy (or ignore) this particular aside, and the sensation of letting words carry you to nowhere.

The isolation is palpable.  Other humans in this valley seem to push its edge and press against this isolation like it's a bubble.  They get close and I can hear them talking to me.  Shit, I can even make them laugh sometimes, and we can share a genuine smile, but the bubble never pops.  It's like seeing someones face all squished up against some used plastic wrap.  We can have a good time, but I sure as hell ain't kissing those lips.

Now, I don't mean to say that what I'm experiencing is extraordinary, or even that unusual in the scope of human existence.  Many people have lived in greater isolation than I, and have even thrived in those conditions.  I just wonder how they dealt with it.  I've worked hard the past few years, and have made some friends that should last for a lifetime.  I can't connect with them right now though.  As hard as I try, and as convenient as technology makes things, when I speak to people that I've shared my life with, it feels hollow and fake.  Sometimes the feeling is so palpable that we'll cut the Skype conversation short, or communicate in terse, happy sounding emails that don't actually say anything.  I'm only complaining a little bit, really I'm just trying to comment on this phenomenon.  Under no circumstances would I admit a weakness of character, and cry to an anonymous world about my own petty problems.  Certainly not.

What is it about certain people that they absolutely MUST seek out adventure?  I know that for myself, it's not an option.  I don't sit around thinking "well, should I climb that mountain, or should I find a job?"  That question is easily answered, and I promise it doesn't end with an application and an interview.  And it's a valid comparison too.  Climbing a mountain takes a lot of individual effort, very little conversation, almost no physical contact with other humans (if you're even climbing with others,) and a very personal sense of reward.  Working a job establishes one's place in society, exposes him to other people, and requires stability of place and personality.    Is the difference part of an established societal description?  Is it as easy as comparing introverts to extroverts?  Or "turned on" people and mindless sheep?  Or slackers and hustlers?  Somehow I don't think so.

Whatever the differences are, it is true what they say: no man's an island.  I can't confirm this, but I'll bet that even the most hardy of mountain men, the most intrepid of explorers, and daring adventurers all feel loneliness.  The desire for human contact is intense, and is a part of anyone who's ever had a mother, who wants to mate, or needs some help with something.  As for me, it all applies.  I miss my mother, I'm going crazy without a mate, and  I could really use some help from time to time.

I love my mountain solitude, and aside from the growing loneliness, I'm happier than I've ever been.  The natural beauty, the peace, the opportunities, and a certain something mystical all call to me, and I've answered.  Now, if I can just learn what I need to learn, and share it with everybody else...

4 comments:

  1. It is an interesting phenomenon how seemingly dissimilar situations can generate similar threads of thought. The isolation you can feel in a new, big, fast and impersonal city mimics the state of mind you describe quite well.

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  2. Yes, I've experienced the "loneliness in a crowd" as well. Sometimes I think that loneliness can be even more acute. If I see a person here, at least I can say "hi," and they'll stop to chat for a bit. In the city, you're likely to get foul looks or just plain ignored if you greet a stranger in the street.

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  3. I'd agree that loneliness is largely a state of mind. Whether a crowd is present or not, we can be lost in our imagination, and in the solitude of our mind we perceive our connections with the outside world. Sometimes, my view of these connections is dim and I get upset because I feel alone in my experience. Yet the connections are still there, they are just hard to see. We are all unique from the perspective of our individual perception, but we are not alone in our desire to feel connected... I guess what I'm blathering about is that you should know that you ARE connected, despite the isolation and the sometimes slowness of time. If you have faith in that, then maybe it becomes easier to experience the solitude, knowing it is only momentary.

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  4. Lovely post Denny. Great comments too. It makes one think of balance. Sincere and meaningful connections with another human being (or animal) and enlightening and healing time alone are perhaps the two most essential things to a sane and enjoyable life. The fact that the two tug at one another (needing time alone, loneliness) just reinforces, to me, that anything good can become stale or useless in excess or without a counterweight. Balance, a weird thing to someone like myself who is always craving more, but a lesson life has clearly and generously dropped in my lap many times. It's always good to test and push oneself (extreme amounts of solitude, months on end of traveling along side a friend) but truly listening to your needs and finding the appropriate balance is what I believe to be the noble and unbelievably difficult path to fulfillment. Too bad it's comparable to finding the end of a rainbow and witnessing a unicorn stampede. But still noble and ultimately gratifying.

    Really glad you and Ira received and are happy to have the shoes. I can't think of twos who are better deserving of them. I hope you're well.

    DJ

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